Attack of the Blues

I am prone to get down at times – I have always had a fragile sense of self esteem – maybe it is partly linked to my introverted personality.  I worry over what other people think of me.  And I suppose that is part of the reason why, from time to time, I am prone to have feelings of complete inability to do anything well.  I know in my head that that is not true but sometimes feelings take precedence over sensibility.

I was feeling horrible last night.  I have no real idea why.  It seemed that I was just surrounded by an oppressive atmosphere that I could not shake off.  I went to worship practice last night in that frame of mind and it was tough.  None of the songs played easily – it seemed like I was all thumbs and missed notes. 

Then I got home and my house was still full of people – some up in the loft watching American Idol, some down in the basement jamming and Leo on the couch watching something else on TV.  I disappeared into the office to get myself lost in a book.

Leo came in awhile later. He is my ultimate esteem booster.  I think that is how he won me in the first place – by his belief in me as a person of value.  Without even a word from me, out of the blue, he told me he was proud to have me for his wife.  I needed that vote of confidence right then.  Somehow he just knew.

So today, I got up for Gatecrashers prayer time, still feeling a bit down, still with no good reason for this feeling.  I was for the first time, unsure that I really wanted to go.  But, you know, I knew God would meet me there as he always does – and I knew I needed to just be in his presence for awhile.  So he was there and I was there, and I think sometimes he’s OK with me just sitting there not saying much.

Then I went off to work.  Work is sometimes a blessing.  It has routines that are familiar – things that I know I can do – a place where usually I am confident in what I do.  I needed that setting today. 

And there were some special treats in my day – some completely unexpected gifts that came my way.  One was the gift of a recorder.  One of our assistants and I were talking yesterday about playing.  She plays the bagpipes and drums and also had a couple of recorders which she doesn’t play much.  Her alto recorder has a bit different tone to it than mine – a bit deeper.  When I commented on it she said, Here, you take it, I’m giving it to you.  I know you will use it playing at church.”  Wow!!!  That was totally unexpected.  So tonight I have been practicing some of the music that I am finding a challenge for Sunday.  It will be interesting to see what the new recorder sounds like with the other instruments. 

And, after work today, someone I especially like asked me to do something that I am thrilled to do and have never been asked to do for anyone before.  I can hardly wait.