Category Archives: Dealing with stuff

This morning Randall spoke on the passage from Mark 5 – the story about the hemorrhaging woman and Jairus’ daughter.  He shared his own experience of having a daughter who was sick enough to die. 

Last week in the telling of stories as we sat and remembered my father, my brother brought back to my memory my own illnesses as a child, and how Dad worried about me.  I can remember the days of being ill; the nurses coming to our home to give me the dreaded penicillin shots – from which my fear of injections developed – to the nights spent under a makeshift tent in my parents’ bed being steamed for the croup.  I mostly remember my mother in those days – lying beside me as I was so terrified and making those horrible poultices that were applied to my chest.  I didn’t know that they were actually afraid that I was developing TB.  My father must have prayed for me then. 

Then a few years later there was another winter full of illness for me.  I succumbed to all the usual childhood illnesses that year and on top of them all, Rheumatic Fever.  Mostly I remember the hospital stay and the long absences from school.  I think my parents must have spent hours in prayer for me again. 

I wonder sometimes what God did.  Those years of illness passed.  I grew to be strong and independent, rarely ill, my heart not damaged by the Rheumatic Fever.  It is something I rarely think about, almost taking my good health for granted – almost but not quite.  Nowadays, I wonder what God did.  I think I know and I am awed both by the love of my parents, their persistence in prayer for me and above all by the love of a God who cares even for sick little girls.

Thoughts just rolling around in my head about family.  Family will be around this weekend, it being Thanksgiving.  We’ll all be together for a big meal on Sunday – those of us in town and my sister and her family up from Moose Jaw.  She will come with all the baggage of her family struggles, I with mine.  We’ll talk and share them.  Maybe not much will change but the distribution of the load.  Maybe that will help. 

I was also thinking about age.  How now I am in the age where I have to be a support to adult children.  So where do I now look for support myself.   My dad and my elderly aunt need support themselves.  They can’t give it anymore.  So part of my support is my family.  Another good reason to keep strong family ties.  And a lot of support comes from my peers now.  Especially my faith community.  Another reason God put us in families and in communities.  We need each other.

Enjoy your families this weekend.  Be thankful for the people around you who are family to you in the truest sense of the word. 

And if you are far too young to have adult children – be thankful.  No really!  You have time to build the strong relationships you will need in the future.

The fog this morning was thick; the moisture in the -8 degree air freezing as it touched the grass and trees.  Vision was limited.  It forced me to walk carefully.  Crossing the street, I could hear the traffic better than I could see it.   Today it took hours before the sun burned through the atmosphere warming it enough to burn off the mist and frost. 

Life seems to mirror the world around me.  Obscurity when clarity is needed.  Inability to see far ahead.  Learning to trust even when I don’t know where the path leads.  Learning to put one foot in front of the other even when I can’t see more than that into my future.  Trusting that in time God will burn away the fog that keeps me from knowing. 

Well, I guess that stage may not be in this life – the place where I can really know.  So for now I trust.  There is not much else to do when life is difficult and the future is uncertain and scary.  It is funny, I guess, but I trust that he will look after my kids – he said he would to me one night.  And even in the midst of agony, I see the seeds of faith begin to grow in them.  Trust, trust, and be patient.  Don’t rush ahead where the fog is still too thick. 

O, God
Tune my heart and mind to your voice,
To your presence. 
Let me follow you, 
Not rushing ahead where I can’t see.
Keep me near you.
Let your love, not my own pain and fear,
Guide me.

One very tired head. 
One very depressed me.
Not a good combination for sitting through a seminar.

How can stewardship, as in money management, be the core to our spiritual growth?

Maybe it is.  I don’t know.  I felt just rotten all morning till at the break I went out for a walk in the drizzle, cried a bit on a friend’s shoulder, then doodled away at some games while we listened.  That, crazy as it sounds, helped me to listen better.  Maybe it took my mind off the disagreeableness of the subject so I could hear part of what God was trying to get across.  I just do not find money matters very interesting.

You know, in the past if God told me to give, I would give, even if it left me short.  I would do it with joy because it was a gift back to God.  And I was never really short.  God has always provided abundantly.  And giving on a regular basis to our church has always been a given. 

I think my personality is just not compatible with this (money management) being at the centre of my relationship with God.  At least not in this way –very managerial, very organized, very planned out.  Giving has always been such a joy and I felt no joy today.  Is this something God wants me to just be obedient about – submitting to the will of the greater church body that seems to want this emphasis?  I am willing to be obedient but I need more than just stoic obedience.

I really want to hear God on this.  So I guess I will have to listen some more.

It is hard to listen well when I am tired and depressed.

It is hard to get rest with many children in the house.

On a brighter note – we were able to celebrate Grace’s eighteenth birthday together as a family at supper time.  I didn’t think we would get to do that because of the timing of the seminar.  But we ended earlier than planned.  Patrick came home from Saskatoon today and brought some pondu (manioc greens) and prepared them for supper.  His gift to Grace who loves this African dish.

Or maybe it really is a form of group therapy since this is fairly public and anyone can comment?

In any case, this blogging space has become an outlet for my feelings.  I somehow can express my pain or joy in words written here.  It helps me deal with it in some concrete way.  It lets me get the emotion out where I can deal with it.  So I think it is a healthy and sometimes creative space.  I need this space, this method of expression.  I don’t know if what I write is profound or necessarily helpful for those of you who read it but it is good for me.  So if you don’t like it or find me depressing at times – just ignore me.  Write your own cheerful stuff, or beautiful stuff or profound political or theological stuff. 

Right now my stuff is just a reflection of my fairly shallow response to a profoundly good God.  Sometimes I can’t even see his goodness when I’m in pain.  But I have experienced enough of God to know that there is nothing better, no one else that will carry me through the bad stuff and cause me to grow in strength and in the knowledge of him. 

So if you wonder why on earth I would write some of the stuff I do, just cut me some slack.  I’m having a self-therapy session.  If I post a beautiful picture, I’m likely having a good day.  If I sound sad or pensive, throw up a prayer for me, I likely need it.

I awakened in the middle of the night.  It is the worst time for me – 2:30 am.  Sometimes when I wake at this hour it seems as if it is a prompting to talk to God about something.  But this time it was as if my head was full of stuffing.  I think I am just at the limits of the amount of stress I can handle – but who knows.  I am still managing to function.  There just seem too many things that I am going to have to manage tomorrow – well actually today already. 

I did get my new laptop. 

And that is good since my son has moved back home for awhile till his marriage gets sorted out and he will need to use the other computers for some of his work.

So David and Kieran are taking over Sara’s room.  Kieran will be with him some on the weekends at least and other times too I guess.  I came home yesterday and he was so upset.  It is hard to go and pick up your child from your wife who you still love deeply and have the fact that something has made her reject you hit you again.  He wants to work at restoring their relationship, she doesn’t seem to – at least not yet.  Pray for them.

From the Psalms – my reading for this day – Psalm 57 -selections from verses 1 to 3a and 7 to 11:

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
       I look to you for protection.
    I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
       until this violent storm is past.

       I cry out to God Most High,
       to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.

        He will send help from heaven to save me

 My heart is confident in you, O God;
       no wonder I can sing your praises!

   Wake up, my soul!
       Wake up, O harp and lyre!
       I will waken the dawn with my song.

     I will thank you, Lord, in front of all the people.
       I will sing your praises among the nations.

   For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.
       Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

   Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
       May your glory shine over all the earth.

The Psalms remind me of the goodness of God.  I need that.

Last night’s sunset did that too as did the evidence of the changing season; leaves are turning to gold.  God continues to hold this world in his hands, caring for even the littlest and most insignificant of us.

When life decides to get tough it seems to hit me with all the force of a Katrina.  Today was like that.  On top of a heavy week last week one of my suspicions seems to have materialized. 

I could use the prayers of all my praying friends.  I can’t say exactly what is happening just yet but pray for the stability of some of the people I love the most.  Pray for the God I know, who is love in its truest form, to work at changing hearts and minds.

Thanks my friends.

I seem to be frustrated, unable to sleep and just needing to have a good rant about stuff that ticks me off. 

Today was supposed to be a painting day.  I woke the kid up so I could see how bare the room was – in other words, how much packing had actually gotten done.  Doesn’t look to me like he is planning on moving out anytime soon.  He should start school in one week.  Definately no painting is going to happen for a few days.  One big box with stuff “thrown” into it.  Posters down off the wall but stuff on window sills and shelves and just hardly any room to walk around the periphery of the room. 

And so he tells me, “I have to go down to Saskatoon today to find a place to live.”  The house they had been planning to rent had a fire so is not habitable.   Can’t really blame him for that in all fairness but I wish he would get his act together.  I do not have an unlimited time available for painting.  He has had three weeks when I was away to do the packing. 

Grace is also not ready to move her stuff out of the loft down to the basement.  She however has a serious bending over impediment so the packing is not that easy.  She spent a good part of the day working at it at least.

We did pick out the paint.  Step one accomplished.

When I am away it seems as if no one knows how to shop for groceries.  I have a list and tomorrow that will be a big job.  No more garbage bags.  One scoop of dish washer detergent left.  Took the last loaf of bread out of the freezer.  Fruit is gone. 

Then a long church board meeting tonight.  And I don’t think I want to rant about the stuff we discussed but some of it makes me tired.  Then I feel guilty for not being enthused about stuff.  I do not want to just be a negative person but I tend to get that way when I am both frustrated and feel unable to really express my true feelings about things.  So I guess I bottle up the negative feelings and try to keep them under control.  I need a safe place to vent them and deal with them and sometimes just someone very patient to listen.  This space is sometimes too public.

The last while I have been reflecting on the whole subject of compassion.  Compassion – showing sympathy for someone often with a desire to help.  That is how my dictionary puts it. 

In an earlier post, I commented that I had inherited a propensity for this from my ancestral heritage.  But this character trait is not just received through my genetic make up.  I suppose it is a trait that has to be nurtured and developed.  I had good role models. It is a trait for which it is good to develop a healthy sense of discernment too in order to not just become a victim of a false sense that without my intervention, the world will not make it.  I am not God. 

The medical world distinguishes between sympathy and another closely related word – empathy.  If sympathy is entering into the feelings of another person, empathy is the understanding of those feelings.  Sympathy can cripple us.  Empathy should enable us to understand the feelings but remain able to react in a helpful way; to not get bogged down in the feeling emotionally.

This morning I was reading from 1Peter 4:10 and 11

^“God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God’s generosity can flow through you. Are you called to be a speaker? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Are you called to help others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then God will be given glory in everything through Jesus Christ. All glory and power belong to him forever and ever. Amen.”

Compassion is one of those gifts that have to do with helping others.  It is a feeling that helps us to stop and consider the needs of another.  Not to try and become God for the world – we can’t.  But to stop and consider the other person’s needs and how we can respond, without just brushing them off as none of our business – for that I believe God will provide the strength and energy to respond appropriately.  I think responding compassionately to other people is a gift for which God provides the energy needed.  “Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies.”    Why?  To have a hand in bringing about God’s kingdom; changing people by applying love and concern to the spots where they hurt.  So that they can see Him.  To give Him glory.