Category Archives: Dealing with stuff

And we are back in business and virus free.  For the moment.  These crazy viruses are so sneaky and seem to be able to sneak by a whole bunch of anti- virus and anti-spyware protection.  So I am taking Jordon’s advice and downloading the programs he suggested. 

Getting the computer back was maybe the best thing that happened today.  Some of the other stuff wasn’t so good – from the strained back all day to getting some other news that left me fairly numb.  So I have had my fill of ibuprofen for the day and need to get a bit of sleep, if possible, tonight.  I will probably blog more later when I can.

Life will go on, I suspect.  God will still be with me.  The troubles of this place and time are overwhelming right now.  My mind can’t quite understand it all – it is numb.   I know God is here and he is good.  That is maybe all I know right now. 

From the Compline for this night (Northumbria)

Lighten my darkness, Lord.
Let the light of Your presence
dispel the shadows of night.

I just happen to be nearing the end of Matthew in my reading.  It coincides nicely with the Lenten period.  And it makes me think. 

The stories of denial and betrayal of Jesus by his closest companions, of those who for three years were his friends and disciples, are hard to read in the sense that they are difficult to comprehend emotionally.  They must have been hard to write.  Yet the authors of all the gospels record them. 

We bloggers like to record our thoughts – especially our brilliant ideas – or our interesting experiences, funny incidents; events happening in the world, politics and faith.  But our failures?  Not so often.  However that is just what the writers of the gospels did – they recorded their failures.  They recorded their blindness and incomprehension.  They recorded with an incredible honesty – even down to their words of personal betrayal.

“Oh, we will never betray you,” they promise.  “We will follow you to death.”  And then they turn and run.  They cower in the shadows.  They deny they know him.  They scatter. 

Some of the women follow at a distance – those insignificant women who could continue to follow safely because, being women, they were of no account as a physical or political threat to the authorities.  Maybe this is one of those paradoxes; their weak position in society provided the needed cover for their strength, their freedom to continue to follow right to the cross. 

The honesty of these accounts brings me hope on a couple of counts.  Jesus knows how to work with failures. These disciples who failed at the most crucial moment went on to be transformed into strong leaders.  The power that made the difference in them is also there for me – Jesus promised us that. 

The honesty also helps to validate the stories for me.  This is not an egotistical account of some people full of a scheme they had carried off.  No one enjoys exposing their faults to all.  This was really what happened, told by the ones who went from being total wimps to forgiven, honest, willing to die for their faith kind of men.

Leighton in talking about his experience in Australia at Liquid 2005 use the term “practitioner” a couple of times.  It’s not a term we use here very often – at least not in the context of the Christian faith so I had to ask for an explanation.  The word has always had a particular meaning for me – I am a general dental practitioner.  I practice – I do what I am trained to do. 

Just thinking of this word in the context of my Christian faith puts an unusual spin on it.  I guess being a practitioner would mean doing my faith in an active sort of way.  Practice of my profession does not mean just studying about it, thinking about it or watching other people do it.  If I’m practicing, I am by definition doing.  It is an active word. 

I’m not sure just how the faith practitioners in the world down under put their faith into action.  I guess there would be as many ways as there are people.  It would be good to hear some of their stories. 

I find myself wanting to claim to count myself as one of the practitioners but am not sure if I would dare claim the title.  So many times I sit and look.  I observe but don’t get involved.  I am a watcher not a doer.  And I know this is not what I am called to.  All my inward examination, all my study, all my knowledge of what should be done will not make me a practitioner unless some action is taking place. 

I could be content to say that my faith has been lived out in what I have already done.  And it has.  I’ve served God as a missionary and I have continued to look on what I do as a means of serving God through my interactions with people; caring for my patients, caring for my children, caring for my family.  But in many ways, I have just begun to know God.  He keeps making claims on the part of me that would like to sit back and watch; the part that would like to ignore him prompting me to take specific action, especially when the action involves me apologizing for hurt I have caused.  But if I really want to go to deeper levels of knowing God I realize that I don’t have much choice.  He calls me to practice – to actively live my faith.  And it is hard to do that in everyday living where we lash out at people in anger or feel justified in treating others as unworthy of our time and care.

Right now this isn’t just theoretical talk.  I have caused hurt to a person.  I treated him with arrogance and did not care.  I judged him and didn’t even know him.  Jesus wouldn’t have done that.  I would like the situation to just fade away and I could let it.  I don’t have to talk to him ever again.  But to do that would be a deliberate act of denying Christ – especially since He was the one that pointed this out to me.  It is always easy for me to justify what I did and said and focus on the wrong he did – but what I really must do is find a way to apologize.

The women’s group at our church is looking to change.  Structurally.  Throw out the constitution and see what works.  Change focus from “women’s” group to women’s “ministries” of the church.

This is a group that I have chosen not to be a part of.  My interests and needs did not fall into what they dealt with at all.  And my time was and still is too precious to use in this way.

It is not that I do not admire what this group of women has accomplished over the years.  They are fantastic fundraisers.  The causes they have helped have been laudable.  But I do not have the hours it takes to make crafts or to bake.  One of the choices I have had to make to keep myself sane has been to choose not to do some things.  Baking was one of the things I chose not to do from years back – no time to do it and no need to have that kind of food available at our house. 

And these same women could keep on just doing all the things they are doing now for a few more years, running their own show, working and working.  A large portion of the women in the congregation would never find any reason to join them.  But these women – you’ve got to hand it to them – are brave enough to open themselves up to change and become more relevant to the needs of all the women in our church.

And me?  I am a bit upset with myself for being a very cynical woman.  Bordering on being negative and querelsome.  Especially when I am tired or can’t see the point in something.  Maybe I can blame some of my attitude on the fact that I am a bit worn out from coughing.  But, no.  I know that I often will tend to complain about how something is when I know that if there is something I see that needs to change then I need to be willing to do my bit to bring about the needed changes. 

Right now I recognize things that need to change but I don’t have the time or energy to do any more than I am doing right now.  So instead of being able to find a helpful way to solve a dilemma, I become cynical and negative.  Maybe just staying out of the way is safer for me – in other words involve myself with other things and keep on ignoring the things that I know need to change but that get me upset. 

But for awhile now, I’ve heard about some of the changes coming in the women’s ministries.  For some reason it has caught my attention.  I am a woman.  I am involved in ministry in many ways – some are at the church and some are part of how I choose to live out my faith out in the “real” world.  Other women I am close to live their faith out visibly at their workplaces and in their families too.  We need to develop a support network amongst each other that will let us share our stories and prayers, and supported by each other reach out into the world around us.  This is what I hope would become the essence of our women’s ministries.  That’s what I’d be willing to give up some time to accomplish. 

Maybe it’s a bit like a change of life.  Women can handle that!  Life’s always changing for us.  The new stage will be a challenge for awhile and then it is bound to bring it’s own new kind of freedom and adventure.

Today I found out that one of my patients died suddenly.  I’ve seen her every month for about two years – a really nice teenaged girl.  Seventeen.  In grade twelve.  They say she had a massive heart attack.  How can a girl that age die of a heart attack?  It doesn’t make sense.  It is not right.  She was too young.  It is a bit like a piece out of a bad dream. 

You know what I hate the most ?  It’s the thought that in a few months we’ll have all moved on and will begin to forget.  But I bet her parents won’t  – ever.  Sometimes it seems like life should just stop for a bit to hold the memories longer.

And all the Tsunami victims – we’ll forget them too soon too.

Life will go on.  We forget or get numb or something. 

Sometimes I wish I could just break down and cry for all the hurts of people I know.  I think I might feel better even if it would not make anything better.

I think I am too much like my father.  Maybe I learned from him to hold in the emotions that simply had to be kept in control in order to help others.  I vividly remember the day he cried – huge gut wrenching aching cries.  He was a pastor and spent a lot of time with people in trouble.  One of the men he saw often went crazy and murdered his wife; drinking I think.  I suppose there were other times but this is the one I remember.  His hurt was suddenly just so visible and I was a little girl watching the strongest man I knew weep.

Funny how this memory always comes back when I wish I could wash away pain with tears.

This is in response to some comments on my last entry.  Comments are limited in their usefulness in responding.  I needed time to think things out so I could try and put them down in writing.  This is long so …

The quotations of scripture are from the New Living Translation.
Philippians 3:9

 “I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God’s law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.”

But  Paul also says in 1 Corinthians 10: 23, 24 and 29b to 33:

²³You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is helpful. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is beneficial. ²⁴Don’t think only of your own good. Think of other Christians and what is best for them…

^29…Now, why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks? ³⁰If I can thank God for the food and enjoy it, why should I be condemned for eating it? ³¹Whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, you must do all for the glory of God. ³²Don’t give offense to Jews or Gentiles or the church of God. ³³That is the plan I follow, too. I try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what I like or what is best for me, but what is best for them so they may be saved.

Galatians 4 and 5

I think you have to read the two chapters in Galatians together.  I don’t think that there is much contradiction between these two chapters.  When you get to Galatians 5:18, Paul says, “But when you are directed by the Holy Spirit, you are no longer subject to the law.” Then in vs. 22 and 23, “But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

I grew up a rule keeper.  I didn’t watch movies; listen to popular music, smoke, drink, dance, party.  I went to church and other “Christian” activities. I was a good kid and even tried not to embarass my parents too much. I was a good student.  I learned to love God as I knew him and to love and care for those in need.  The rules didn’t seem hard at the time but I know I was not at ease in the “world” or with non-Christian friends.  That being cut off from the world however was sort of like part of the package deal of living for Christ. I believe that those who helped plant my faith in God did not intend to make the faith legalistic.  They did the best they knew how but the whole atmosphere of the church was one of adherence to a set of standards as the hallmark of faith. 

My parents lived under these rules too.  Yet the faith which I saw in them was not just observance of rules – it was deeper and manifested itself in love and concern for others.  So I saw faith lived out and tolerance for others practiced.  Watching them, I learned to love God in ways that went beyond just obeying rules. 

By the time I entered university I had dropped adherence to some of the rules but others had become comfortable and important to practicing my faith.  These rules I either tried to impose on other people who were interested in the Christian faith or used them to keep myself separate.  I most likely alienated my fair share of people who may have found God if I had been less hung up on rules and behavioral standards. I did not intend to change. I didn’t even know I needed to change until I was confronted with faith that was clearly as valid as mine – just that the rules didn’t match up.  I believe God was beginning to teach me that he was about more than living up to standards.  I also broke some of the rules I knew were very important; so, as I was learning that God was bigger than my own small set of rules, I found myself guilty of breaking some which I knew were not just petty rules.  When you violate some of your deep principles, guilt is hard to let go of.

Finally, I got the fact that God’s grace was really sufficient and that only his grace was enough.  My guilt and a lot of my fears were just kind of dropped; like a heavy load that you hang on to for a long time and then your fingers fail and it all slips out of your grasp.  They were too heavy and I have no intention of picking them up again (although every now and then I lift a corner to see if maybe I could pick them up again – forget it – they are still heavy).

Maybe I see this whole thing – the dichotomy between the law and freedom – is that Jesus by fulfilling the law became the one we were to follow rather than the law itself.  Having our lives conform to his then means we are in fact carrying out what God intended by giving the law; that the whole intent of the law was to enable us to live in relationship with God, pleasing him as we were created to do.

To me the passages written by Paul setting out how not to live are not attempts to set new rules to follow or even restatement of the old law.  They are counterbalanced by his talking about a whole new way of living; admonitions to demonstrate evidence of the Holy Spirit being in control. 

Because I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and he has promised to send the Holy Spirit to me to help me, I want the Holy Spirit to control me, to teach me and to bring my life into conformity with the life that Jesus has planned for me.  I seek closeness with God.

If the Christian life were simply a matter of following the rules it would possibly be clearer – not free but more precise, with well defined limits.  If God were a distant God we would need the set of rules.  Instead God offers us this intimate relationship of love; like children to a father, like a bride to a husband; which is more complicated while at the same time being simpler.  I want, above all else, to maintain this relationship. In my marriage I am faithful to my husband because of love for him not because of the rules of a contract which I entered into.  Likewise, my relationship to God is maintained by my desire to be his and his love for me, not by my compliance to the law.

I am compelled by the desire to maintain and deepen the relationship with God; to look to God for what he wants.  This I find in his word as I read it and as the Spirit of Jesus reveals things to me from it.  I have to talk with him.  Since God is real, living and present with me, he is constantly available to me for help.  So I have this simple directive – follow Christ’s example.  In all honesty, that can be a whole lot more complicated that a simple set of rules.

So this freedom that Christ bought at such a price is what I believe he wants us to experience.  I am not totally free of the desire to get my own way but, when I do, my relationship with Jesus suffers.  If I try to live life without him, I start to see the desires of my sinful nature take over.  Even if I succeed in living by the rules that are being pushed, I risk breaking off my relationship with Christ who wants me to rely totally on his grace not on my own efforts to adhere to a set of rules.  And success in abiding by the rules tends to inflate my own ego by engaging in a comparison with others who may glaringly fail.

In fact, I think that having rules sets us up for failure since if we keep them we tend to feel self righteous – and there we have failed again.  Living in a love relationship with Christ is a constant reminder that it is only by his grace that we live at all.

St Augustine of Hippo said all this much more succinctly in his famous statement, “Love God and do as you please”

We have just finished a week of prayer at our church.  This is the second year we have done this. 

This year I came back from one of the most relaxing holidays I have been on – ever – to one of the busiest weeks of my year.  Every day seemed to be packed with obligations at work and, on top of those, things I had chosen to do for my family and for my church.  And Leo was away for a good part of the week leaving me on my own to handle family issues such as driving and picking up kids, laundry and all those other mundane things that have to get done around home.  Everyone, including my married son, pitched in and things got done. 

I needed this week of prayer.  Sometimes when we are planning it I feel almost selfish realizing that I am going to be one of the biggest beneficiaries of the whole effort.  I make time to go regularly because I want to so badly. 

It is sometimes strange how God impresses things on my mind as I sit and listen to him.  I know I need to learn more about loving God.  As I sat and thought about what that might entail, I was almost frightened.  God doesn’t always teach us things in the easy parts of life.  So I don’t know what this need to know God will bring.  It seems a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff (and I am afraid of heights) and knowing that I could be asked to step off it.  I am frightened and yet drawn to the edge at the same time.  If the journey is to continue I have to go forward.  I can’t just sit on the edge forever.  And back to where I’ve been is not the direction I want to head.

Heading into a new week I already know that parts of it are going to be extremely hard.  There are places I would rather not go.  I don’t know the results of decisions I have to make but it looks like I don’t have the option of not taking any action. 

God, hang on to me tightly if I am jumping off a cliff.  You know I don’t like heights.

We just completed our week of prayer at church.  It is a nice lead up to Advent for me. I like the season of Advent.  I like to ponder everything that went on as the world got ready to receive this gift of a Saviour.  I guess most of those involved had no idea what was really coming.  I mean, how does a virginal young woman begin to understand what it is going to be like for her?  She had to deal with rejection, with misunderstanding, with judgement.  So did Joseph and he was only a surrogate father.  I wonder how many times he was tempted to get rid of this blight on his character.  The two of them certainly needed an angel visitation.  What people of trust in God they must have been.

And God himself – I wonder sometimes at the immensity of the risk he was taking.  Was the outcome certain?  I guess God could see it all outside of our time shell. 

When I read passages like Philippians       I am provoked to wonder at just how much of the outcome of this whole plan was a done deal.  Jesus chose to become human – fully human.  Does this not involve some free will on his part as well?  What if in the garden as he was agonizing over his own death he had not chosen in our favor?  To be obediant to death – for us – demanded total obedience.  Jesus was human.  The total obedience part for me is so hard.  Was it hard to go all the way for the one to whom I owe everything? 

Maybe this seems like a strange kind of thought sequence.  I have never really though about the gift we were given in these terms before – in terms of what it really meant to Jesus to live that life of complete obedience and at the same time to be as human as I am.  That thought to me is almost overpowering.  And it makes me wonder if the whole incarnation didn’t involve a great risk and great sacrifice on the part of God for us the creatures he brought into being.

Dad is in the hospital.  It’s going on three weeks now.  At first things didn’t look too good since he was so weak from some internal bleeding. That problem seems to have taken care of itself with a change of medication. 

Another problem has developed – not sure what it is exactly – that keeps him from being able to bear weight.  This means he is immobile and so can’t return home.  It may be time for him to move to a care home.  All transitions are difficult but are made more so by the Alzheimer’s disease. 

I went up to visit the other day.  I took along a few pictures of Mexico and of the ship we were on.  I had fun telling him about the trip.  He remembered me but I doubt he understands much about where I was.  He kept commenting about the long trip I would have home, not remembering that I just live in town. 

Our conversations are not usually profound.  They can’t be anymore.  But for some reason, I go back to visit.  He won’t even remember that I was there.  But the other day when I went he said, “It is so nice you came to visit.  I love you.”  I don’t think the conversation could get more profound than that for me.  I am still my daddy’s girl. 

More difficult days may be ahead.  For now, the recognition that we love each other is enough reason for me to keep going back.  Some days he can express it, some days not.   Each day he can is a gift.

It has been tough for me dealing with all that has been going on health wise in the family over the past couple of days.  Just a bit emotionally stressful.  I feel the pain of my close family members too.  It is hard not to try and carry their problems in my pocket as well as my own.  Sometimes I put too much in those pockets and then I tend to come a bit unraveled at the seams.  That is sort of how I was feeling by this morning.

I went to church looking forward to some time to pray.  Instead of peace though I seemed to hear a lot of noise.  And that is how life has been lately – noisy – stuff taking up my time and attention; demanding my time and attention.  At home, people around, demands on my time from visiting at the hospital, spending time talking with my aunt, social obligations from work, kids visiting, mother chores like groceries and laundry – all stuff that had to be done.  It just seemed that there was no time to breathe.  So I was looking for some space to breathe this morning, some peace, but mostly what happened was just the stuff that goes on in life. 

It is hard to see where God is in the midst of days like this.  I am glad I just know he is in spite of the way life goes on.  And I am glad for friends who help me see him in their caring for me.

Having a little yelling match with God doesn’t cut down on the noise.  I do not like the thought of ending my life like my dad – with Alzheimers.  I don’t like the thought of what that would mean to my family.  I wish God would just let me have things my way.  I want to be in control.  I would like to decide how it is all going to end – you know with dignity, a wise woman respected till the end, a sharp mind.  Is that too much to ask?

I wish I could say that now it is all resolved in my mind.  That somehow I have said “OK, God do whatever you like even with my end years.”  But, in fact, this is something I am going to have to learn to trust him with.  I’m not there yet. 

So God, teach me more about you.  Help me to trust.  Be patient with me please.