Category Archives: Dealing with stuff

I am prone to get down at times – I have always had a fragile sense of self esteem – maybe it is partly linked to my introverted personality.  I worry over what other people think of me.  And I suppose that is part of the reason why, from time to time, I am prone to have feelings of complete inability to do anything well.  I know in my head that that is not true but sometimes feelings take precedence over sensibility.

I was feeling horrible last night.  I have no real idea why.  It seemed that I was just surrounded by an oppressive atmosphere that I could not shake off.  I went to worship practice last night in that frame of mind and it was tough.  None of the songs played easily – it seemed like I was all thumbs and missed notes. 

Then I got home and my house was still full of people – some up in the loft watching American Idol, some down in the basement jamming and Leo on the couch watching something else on TV.  I disappeared into the office to get myself lost in a book.

Leo came in awhile later. He is my ultimate esteem booster.  I think that is how he won me in the first place – by his belief in me as a person of value.  Without even a word from me, out of the blue, he told me he was proud to have me for his wife.  I needed that vote of confidence right then.  Somehow he just knew.

So today, I got up for Gatecrashers prayer time, still feeling a bit down, still with no good reason for this feeling.  I was for the first time, unsure that I really wanted to go.  But, you know, I knew God would meet me there as he always does – and I knew I needed to just be in his presence for awhile.  So he was there and I was there, and I think sometimes he’s OK with me just sitting there not saying much.

Then I went off to work.  Work is sometimes a blessing.  It has routines that are familiar – things that I know I can do – a place where usually I am confident in what I do.  I needed that setting today. 

And there were some special treats in my day – some completely unexpected gifts that came my way.  One was the gift of a recorder.  One of our assistants and I were talking yesterday about playing.  She plays the bagpipes and drums and also had a couple of recorders which she doesn’t play much.  Her alto recorder has a bit different tone to it than mine – a bit deeper.  When I commented on it she said, Here, you take it, I’m giving it to you.  I know you will use it playing at church.”  Wow!!!  That was totally unexpected.  So tonight I have been practicing some of the music that I am finding a challenge for Sunday.  It will be interesting to see what the new recorder sounds like with the other instruments. 

And, after work today, someone I especially like asked me to do something that I am thrilled to do and have never been asked to do for anyone before.  I can hardly wait.

You know for someone who has just come back from some good quiet time, I feel very tired on a spiritual level.  Maybe it is just overload or maybe I just need to spend more time just relaxing a bit with who I am in relationship with God.  I don’t know that I can explain this very well.  What I am trying to say is that there are so many things, experiences, whatever, I want from God that I think I am getting mixed up in wanting those and am sort of losing sight of just knowing God more deeply.  I am looking so hard for the direction that God want me to move in that I am unable to move in any direction.  And so, I am so uncertain right now if God is giving me ideas that might be useful to pursue or if the ideas are only my imagination working. 

And I am expending more energy worrying about what the girls and I should do this summer than I like.  Maybe that comes partially from the fact that we have to start moving on a lot of things all at the same time and it is a bit overwhelming.  There are tickets to purchase and then visa’s to get, not to speak of the vaccinations, etc.  And over the next day or so, I have to look at a list of supplies and do some ordering for the dental team in the Congo, so I guess overwhelmed is probably not out of the question. 

And there are teaching sessions that I must prepare in French and I won’t have a nice PowerPoint lecture since I will maybe not have electricity and certainly no projector.  And there will be equipment that has been un-serviced for many years that is going to need repair.  It’s been a long time since I have had to be my own repairperson so that will take time and patience and parts.

And there will be the inevitable flow of VIPs that, when they hear an expatriate dentist is at Karawa, will come and insist that I, not one of my excellent dental therapists, do their work.  (Sometime, I will have to recount the day when I made my patients’ body guards leave their guns at the door.)

And then I have this sense that this trip will be fairly significant on a spiritual level as well as on a dental level.  For one thing, I have not seen any of the guy’s I trained for thirteen years and I have had little contact with them.  They have been through a war.  For me that is going to be a tremendous emotional experience, reawakening friendships.  And I think that the fact that so much has changed deteriorated in the thirteen years as far as the physical stuff we left behind buildings and equipment.  Maybe I am just realizing that this may not be an easy trip for me emotionally.  Then, my girls will have a lot of emotional stuff to deal with too and I will have to be there for them.  All this to do in just one month when I look at it this way I know that the trip will be a big challenge.

So if any of you have time for sending off a few prayers God wards for me, I would appreciate it.  And I will try to keep you posted as to where we are in the plans.

I was reading this morning from Luke 17 verses 5 to 10.

⁵One day the apostles said to the Lord, “We need more faith; tell us how to get it.”
⁶“Even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed,” the Lord answered, “you could say to this mulberry tree, `May God uproot you and throw you into the sea,’ and it would obey you!
<sup>7</sup>“When a servant comes in from plowing or taking care of sheep, he doesn’t just sit down and eat. <sup>8</sup>He must first prepare his master’s meal and serve him his supper before eating his own. <sup>9</sup>And the servant is not even thanked, because he is merely doing what he is supposed to do. <sup>10</sup>In the same way, when you obey me you should say, `We are not worthy of praise. We are servants who have simply done our duty.’ ” (NLT)

The disciples question just happens to be a question I am asking too.  I want more faith – tell me how to get it.

And then Jesus, as usual, tells a story.  Instead of saying follow these steps a…,b…c…, he says, I think, do what you are supposed to do.  Do your duty and obey me and don’t look for praise for doing it.

My first reation is, “Well, what does this have to do with the question?  How on earth will doing my duty increase my faith?”

I must confess, I do not understand this.  Shouldn’t he have said study the scriptures, pray, spend time fellowshipping with fellow believers?

Is this one of those Naaman moments when I am looking for something more obvious or glamourous to do – more along the lines of what is expected in our churches – something I can do to improve myself?  I don’t know.  Somehow just doing what I’m doing dosen’t seem like much.

I have had an incredibly difficult day.  Actually it started last night when we were discussing some issues that involved finances and how little we had available to do something which someone else in our family(one of our kids) really wants to push ahead and do. 

The difficulty that I have been dealing with is not the finances at all but the whole problem of anger and the problem of being obsessed with doing something at any cost.  Sometimes it can’t be done and that is all. 

I hate being the one who is the object of the anger – mostly just because I said wait a minute, we have to consider the cost.  I don’t know why these things happen most within families.  Is it that we are free enough with each other to really vent our anger? 

And why do these situations arise just when God seems to have done some really neat things just before.  Do you think that the evil one sees us getting closer to knowing more of God and starts to bombard us?  Any ways I’m feeling pretty bummed out right now.

Last night we had one of those really awful parenting nights.  We got home from our party at the park – with the girls and all their friends.  And we were set to babysit Kieran but the girls had plans to have friends over.  We knew we would need them to be entertaining their friends in different parts of our domain so Grace and co. went up to the loft of the garage while Sara and co. went up to the loft of the house.  TV watching going on in the house and just “hanging out” in the garage. 

At about 10:30 I was driving Kieran back home when I noticed my garage door opener on the hood of my car – sliding towards me.  Needless to say it did not stay on the hood for long!  It fell on to the street and smashed into a few pieces.  I was able to stop and retrieve them – all but one piece which I didn’t even realize was missing at that moment.  Amazingly it still works.

I got home, stepped out of my car and heard loud and clearly, coming from the open garage attic window, loud and frequently repeated f— words along with comments about the cigars that were being smoked by a couple of male voices.  I was somehow uninformed that there were going to be guys present for this after party party.  This on top of my garage door opener smashing – well I sent a few people home in short order!

To complete the evening, Grace was not really welcome in her wonderful mood at her sisters party which was going on up in the house loft.  So she went down to the basement to go on MSN.  Patrick, being home, wished to go to sleep(in the basement) since it was now around midnight.  In fact I had gone to bed and the other friends were all in the process of leaving when all hell broke loose downstairs!  The tired brother had an encounter with the angry and grumpy sister!!!

I had about had enough by this time and what with the words passing rapidly between the two kids – and they were some of the most foul words I have ever had to hear – I also exploded! 

The worst part of all this – I am supposed to be an adult and a loving one at that!  I din’t act the part very well.  I have the angry out of control version down pat. Reason at that moment excaped me and I ended up doing things I would rather not do.

I had a lot of appologizing to do this afternoon.  In fact we both shed a few tears and had to do some forgiving of each other.  Appologizing and being forgiven sure feels a lot better than anger.

Tonight we got an e-mail from the Cameroon.  It contained some news that has caused me a lot of sadness and frustration.  The news is about two friends of my son who our church decided to sponsor as refugees.  These guys and my son were as close as brothers.  And like most teenagers, they hung out around our house a lot, so they became our friends as well.

Five years ago these two friends of my oldest son fled on foot from the Congo when the civil war was forcing people to live in fear, most fleeing into the forest.  These guys walked about 300 kms to the neighboring country of the Central African Republic.  They were prime conscript age at the time and they did not want to take sides in the fighting.  Besides, they were well acquainted with one of the big generals in Mobutu’s army through my son and soccer connections.  This was one of the main generals implicated in the massacre of students down in Lubumbashi in the later part of Mobutu’s term of power.  This was not a good guy to be acquainted with at a time like that and they needed to get out of the country. 

About three years ago, they got a message to travel to the Cameroon to be present for an interview with the immigration authorities concerning their application for immigration to Canada as refugees.  At the time civil war was brewing in the Central African Republic and they managed to leave that country just in time before the border was closed to the Cameroon. 

Three years ago.  They had their interviews.  They are still waiting, in spite the fact that the consulate requested that they stay in the area of Yaounde, Cameroon so they could be contacted.  About a year or so ago, Yaunde (Kamu) got word that he had been accepted as a refugee applicant pending his medical and security clearance.  This process should take about three to six months.  He is still waiting without receiving any word.  Massa has heard nothing.

Now these guys have been away from home for five years homeless and without family around them.  The closest to family have been one or two missionary families that were re-stationed in Cameroon after leaving the Congo. 

Tonight we got the word that Massa‘s father has died.  Death is the single most important event in  Congolese society.  To be absent is a major absence.  It is not normal in that society to let anything keep you away from going to the funeral or at least to go and sit on the death with the family.  I do not know what Massa will do.  This news is going to be heart wrenching for him.  I do not know but I can see him giving up and trying to go home.  But he has no money to travel and little to return to in his own country. 

And I am angry at the slowness the unnecessarily slow bureaucracy of our Canadian government as it deals with refugees.  Especially those who have already been sponsored by a non-governmental group.  God help us all for our collective injustice.

So this is going to be a long night of prayer.  I do not know what else to do. 

News today really knocked me for a loop.  We have been waiting on something for a long time and got news today that it was not going to be possible.  I knew this was likely to happen but still when the news came it seemed so wrong, so unjust and unfair.  And the news has made my day simply a miserable one.  It was hard to work keeping the bad news inside. The news still had not been passed on to the people who will be hurt by it the most, so I couldn’t even share my feelings with people around me. 

Life goes on around me but it seems like it shouldn’t.  It makes me want to scream, but I am an adult so I can’t act out my outrage too vocally – so it has been stored inside all day.  I am not one of those people who find it easy to cry but this is one of the times I would appreciate the relief that a good cry would bring.  This is one of the times I wish I felt free enough to call up a friend and just go talk – and then I probably would cry and get it out.  But I’m also one of those people who doesn’t like to impose because everyone else has busy schedules too. 

So the internet sits just waiting for such moments and you guys, if you  read this will probably just wonder what on earth is the matter with me.  I will tell more later and have a good rant about certain injustices in this world, but for now, I want to break this bad news to the ones who need to know in a more personal and gentler way.  Just have to figure out how to do that.

Prayers would be gratefully accepted!

It is hard to be apart from someone you love.  It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last. In many ways it is just a part of our lives being governed by the realities of work, family, busyness and a lack of resources to do what we would like to be doing. 

Leo has been away almost a week.  It will be good to have him home again tonight.

Apart

One heart beating

One flesh.

Distance creates

Phantom limbs.

The brain sensing

Denies the rift,

But the heart

Seeking the veins

To carry its nectar

Has no where to spill its love.

We are for a moment

Apart.

Tonight has been one of those nights when I am dealing with problems too big for me to know how to handle.  There are some very mixed up people in this world and my daughter seems to have them as roomates.  Then I have to help her deal with the consequences – very tiring because I can’t do much over a phone.  It is a very mixed up situation and I don’t know that I can handle it.  And I thought things were settling down on that front.

Anyway, when I can’t handle things at least I have a God who can.  Sometimes I just wish I knew what he is trying to do!  Help me to be patient God and trust you to take care of all the junk that seems to be raining down on my world right now. 

God,
I know you are with me,
And her.
Even when she doesn’t know
That you are.
Protector,
Like a thicket hedge
Surround my child.
Keep those evil forces out that would
Destroy her spirit
By sheer frustration.

God,
Her life has not been
An easy gift.

But a gift it is.

Two years ago today our first grandson was born – Logan.  I can still remember the Monday morning, the c-section since he was in distress, the rushing off to the hospital, me telling my staff as I rushed out the door that I was going to the hospital – I had just heard that the baby would be sent by ambulance to Saskatoon and did I want to se him before he left.  I can still remember the tiny long little guy lying in the incubator, tubes everywhere, oxygen tent around his head, touching his little hands since that was about all there was to do.  Then my son coming in he looking so proud and worried and so full of hope that all would be well, prepared to accept the fact that he might be going to  face raising a very handicapped son because he already loved him.

Logan was born with one of those chromosome abnormalities – Trisomy 18 – rare in a child born to young healthy parents;  to a mom who had taken every precaution she could to have a healthy baby.  Trisomy 18 is not compatible with life.  Logan’s life was short – two days.  Two days that changed our relationship with our kids forever.  We saw our son become more of a man as he became a father and had to deal with birth and death all within a few short days.  And we saw our son loving and supporting the woman who bore him this child through this grief. 

Now we have a second grandson three months old.  And another joy for us – one month from today we have a wedding going on!