Category Archives: Dealing with stuff

Randall has been getting me thinking about worship.  We talked about it briefly yesterday am at Gate Crashers.  So in a few of the off moments I had during my day yesterday I jotted down some thoughts.

Today we talked of how:

God wants our worship

Not just a show

Not just a song

Or dance

Or any of our submissive gestures

Or sacrifices we bring to him like:

            – self denial

            – nice looking lives

            – regular church attendance

            – our tithes

If they are just a way to show how good we are.

They just aren’t enough to be worship

No They are not nearly enough.

He wants the centre,

The parts I’ve reserved for myself;

My motives, my time.

He wants me to see Himself

            In every person I treat today

            In my children needing discipline

            In my spouse needing consideration

            In my employees needing appreciation

            In my family needing my time and my love.

Each act, each thought, each word, lifted to him

My worship for the day.

And Then You Come

God,

I know you are here,

Somewhere.

But it’s hard to see or hear you

Right now.

Show me your face again.

Whisper my name.

Sometimes,

You are so close.

The perfume of your presence

Lies in the air around me.

You envelop me

And fill me

With your breath of life.

But now,

It’s like I walk alone.

That breath seems like a dessert wind.

Drying.

The oasis impossible to see ahead.

Thirst growing in my throat

Drives me to cry to you for help.

And then you come.

A scent

Faint, but hauntingly familiar.

Hints of a cool breeze,

Like a finger, beckon me to follow

Where the stream ward path

Lies close ahead.

A Waste?

The woman with the perfume

Pouring it out on Jesus.

Criticism

From disciples

Who know how Jesus thinks

About the poor.

Or do they?

How did she feel

There in that inner circle?

Calling her act a waste.

Did it cut like a knife

To her heart?

Then Jesus

The healer of broken hearts

Touches the very spot

Where she has just been wounded.

Sees and accepts her act

For the devotion it is.

A deed to be remembered forever.

All my life I have struggled with the knowledge that I needed to study the Bible vs my lack of motivation to do so on a consistant basis.  I would become inspired – for a short time – and then my enthusiasm would disipate.

I can remember subscribing to a young Christian magazine which helped me to maintain my Bible reading momentum for a while.  Then it gradually petered out.  Sometimes it would rekindle, like a hot spot rekindles after a wild forest fire.  It would sometimes be ignited by an interesting study or topic that would catch my interest. But the fire seemed easily dampened down again. 

Worst of all, I knew better.  I knew that I needed this contact with God to grow.  But it was hard to maintain the interest.  I just didn’t long for God’s word that much.  I wanted him to be there but other stuff got in the way of my needing to study what he said. 

This situation didn’t change much the whole time from young adulthood til this past year.  Being a missionary does not mean that you are any more likely to be immersed in God’s word than any other Christian.  

Then all of a sudden something seems to have happened.  I became more and more aware that I needed help dealing with some of the struggles my kids were going through.  So I got some help.  Leo and I did some serious talking, God provided a wise counselor and some significant stuff happened, like my decision to spend a lot of time in prayer for my family.  Somehow God stepped in – I asked him of course but that had happened before without a lot of change on my part. 

I am still trying to figure out what on earth made the change happen. How do you get from empty to full?  How does an unquenchable thirst develope?   How do I keep it from going away?  Because I don’t want it to.  Ever.  It would be like losing my life. 

I think that the change had a lot to do with my feelings of desperation.  I knew I needed help from beyond myself.  I needed God so badly for understanding and wisdom and I needed to let him take charge.  My needs were way beyond what I could fix on my own.

So I guess that is where I see my community of faith coming in.  It is a place (besides here on this blog where you can choose to read or not)where I can express myself and be understood, where my faith should be challenged and built stronger, where my hunger for knowing more of God should be fed.  A place that will give me a launching pad out into the world I work and live in.  And thanks to some of you out in the blogesphere who, though you are far away geographically, are also becoming part of my supportive community of faith.

Today, life at our house reverted to the old routines of school days.  It is good in some ways although I enjoyed the summer vacation freedom from getting kids up in the morning, making sure they have stuff they need before I leave in the morning or the night before, checking up on homework,etc.

For our kids, school brings a wide range of challenges and opportunities.  Some are good at it and others challenged.  You see, several of my children have learning disabilities.  Some we have just recently been made aware of.

Years ago, when we looked forward to having children, we thought that they would likely be of reasonable intelligence. We anticipated that they would like school – well maybe not “like” it but be sort of academically inclined.  After all, we thought we were reasonably intelligent and since we enjoyed our studies we assumed that our kids would be like us.  Shouldn’t they be? 

Well, they turn out to be quite intelligent.  But, some of my kids have learning disabilities.  

Dealing with a learning disability was not a challenge that I ever would have anticipated.  There were only a few recognised learning disablilities like dyslexia and hyperactivity back in the 70’s when our oldest were  born. And, like most young parents who get their kids minus the instruction book, we didn’t have a clue.  We assumed the temper tantrums were bad behaviour.  We assumed the problems with homework were due to insufficient motivation.  We know better now.  We also know that in our family it doesn’t all have to do with heredity.  I think these kids exist in many families – or else we somehow are a magnet for them.

The assessments that are done by educational psychologists now are absolutely amazing.  The body functions in an amazing way – and it is wonderful to study all the intricacies of our tiny constituant parts.  This is right in my area of interest and the functionning of the body I can understand (for the most part).  Even more amazing are the ways our body reacts to agents which cause disease.  Still, the study of the mind and how it works and functions, what can make it disfunction, and how it can be taught to work better, are all so incredible – so mind-boggling! 

We just went through a psychological/educational assessment with one of our kids.  We (my spouse and I) are beginning to recognize the signs of a learning problem earlier. We know that getting help earlier is better than later.  

It was so revealing to be told that this one of our kids has some high level processing disorder where words, by themselves, are understood but put together on a page in a story and the meaning dosen’t connect.  Where numbers by themselves are understood but when put together into problems or equations, the meaning becomes lost.  The connections that bring meaning to groups of words and numbers just isn’t happening. It’s so exactly what we see happening, so exactly what we have been frustrated by.  And if we, who don’t have to live inside this complex situation, see this lack of “getting it” as frustrating – how much more frustrating to be the child trying to figure stuff out.  Working so hard and just not getting things as easily as the rest of us.  And us assuming that the child has an attitude or laziness problem!

Then we were told that these problems can be managed – that there are special strategies that need to be learned.  This kind of understanding of how the mind functions is truely marvelous.  Now I understand why a book will never be a friend to her.  I am sad because books are great friends to me and she will never have that pleasure in the same way I do. 

But then – I can’t dance!  We all have our special gifts.

As a parent of children with special learning challenges, I found this post from The World According to Chuck.  He writes about his Inside -Out Boy.  I thought it was really special – as is his boy – and my kids.

Sometimes when I get up in the morning I know that what the day holds is going to ensure that this is not just another day.  A few months ago I know that the first thing I would do would be to start feeling sort of sorry for myself.  How could this be happenning to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  What am I going to do?   Worry, worry, worry…You probably know the sorts of questions I asked myself.  (mostly centered around me, I’m ashamed to say)

Life seems to throw some really tough stuff at me somedays.  I don’t think I can expect the tough things not to happen to me even if I am doing all the “right ” things.  But I know that whatever comes today, I don’t have to bear the burden of it all by myself.  So today as I go with my daughter to deal with the consequences of something she did, I go supported in the prayers of good friends with the God who created this marvellous child of mine at my side. 

I don’t know if I learn more from these things or if my children do.  I am learning not to be so concerned about my image and at the same time I think my kids are learning more about the value of respect and honor due to being tagged with a well known family name.  That is sort of a weird thing to see happening because I don’t think kids of today see the value of their roots until they are much older and beginning to see their place in the whole scheme of things.  They are too wrapped up in discovering who they are to see outside of themselves maybe.  I think kids acquire a fear of shaming the family name but the value of their family heritage is something they have to learn on their own.  Hopefully they have one they can value.  I hope they can see the place God has in ours.

Anyway, I think their most important rootedness is going to be in God.  I’m hoping to find ways to help them grow more deep solid roots in their faith.  I want it to be real and living for them.  I want them to be able to take it with them into any of the circumstances they will face in life.  I want to try and be active in this area of my kids lives this year.

God has given me some amazing kids.  I was just thinking about this last night and saying to Leo how excellent our kids are in their own special areas of expertise.  What talents they have!  One who is the top team in the provincial soccer league, one who is so talented in her dance that she could very well go on to do this for a living, my other kids who, in spite of some significant learning problems, have their own unique talents at which they excell besides doing well in school and sucessfully pursuing careers.  But to be really successful they need God to be present with them because great careers and exceptional talents just don’t measure up to sucess in “life”. 

It was in one of my more anquished moments that I wrote this:

A Mother’s Cry

I’m mad at you God.

I wanted it all to be perfect

A loving husband and good kids

That did what I expected

Now look at what You’ve done!

Did I not follow where You led?

Did I not listen?

What happened to the plans

That I concocted?

What are You doing?

It hurts to be a mother

With all my parent wishes.

I’ve tried to do Your will

I’ve tried to teach them

How can they banish You ?

I’ve still no answers

To my anguished pleas

When will they see?

When will they hear?

God please answer me!

I look up for Your face

Can’t see for tears

Feel nothing now but love

In my pain, You take me in Your arms

And say I love you. Isn’t that enough?”

Words. That’s what we bloggers mostly deal in. Sometimes they flow out so effortlessly. Sometimes it is hard to say what your heart really feels. And there are times when we write or speak quickly without thought. Once spoken or posted it is hard to take them back.

Why don’t we watch our words more closely? They may look pretty on the page or sound very knowledgeable and sophisticated but what ugly thoughts they can portray. We may think we are clever to use words that sting, are cynical, full of irony – cruel words. We try to make ourselves look so right, so in the know. But we are only trying to exalt ourselves at the expense of someone else.

Words can hurt. They can hurt more than “sticks and stones”. The invisible wounds are not evident at first but sometimes the soul wounds never heal. They fester and the illness planted in us by them becomes a chronic disease that eats away at our self-confidence until we can’t handle anything more and we begin to die. We don’t dare to live anymore because criticism gets too hard to bear. The joy goes. The light goes out. Cruel words can kill – slowly.

I think that is why Jesus said what he did to the Pharisees of his day.
” A good person produces good words from a good heart, and an evil person
produces evil words from an evil heart. And I tell you this, that you must give an
account on judgment day of every idle word you speak. The words you say
now reflect your fate then; either you will be justified by them or you will be
condemned.” Matthew 12: 35 to 37.

All of us who care about the Coopers are also hurt by some cruel words they were sent. I, like many others, are hoping that Jordon and Wendy will continue to blog because they are a blessing to lots of us out here in cyberspace and in real life too. God, Please bring healing as only you can.

Our congregation has chosen to sponsor two young men, refugees, to come to Canada. We have been in the process for four years now. The guys are from the Congo and are presently in the Cameroon waiting. They are in Cameroon because that is where they were asked to go to have their refugee interviews. Before that they were in the Central African Republic. They left for the Cameroon just before civil war broke out in earnest in the Central African Republic. Before that they walked about 300 Kms to leave the Congo at the height of the civil war in north western Congo. Their lives have been in limbo ever since.

These guys are fortunate enough. We send them the bare necessities they need to survive. And we have been able to help them enroll in carpentry classes and English classes while they wait. Can you imagine waiting so long with total uncertainty?

MCC is the organization under which we are sponsoring. They and we are getting frustrated to the point of looking for answers from some people higher up on the bureaucratic ladder. There is no reason for the long delays in getting refugees to Canada. These are legitimate refugees with groups ready to sponsor them and help them make the adjustment to Canadian life.

Proverbs 3: 27 to 28
“Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say ‘Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.’ “

I don’t think the immigration people live by this rule! The whole system seems to be set up to keep people out not to help those who qualify to come.

I was catching up on some blogging, dropping in on some sites that I missed reading over the weekend. Leighton Tebay blogged about different translations of the Bible the other day and it started me to thinking, especially the comments.

Sounds like the different versions are in a competition for accuracy. And these are only the English versions!

Those of us who are not in the translation/hermeneutics business appreciate you scholars wanting us to have an accurate translation. Going back to the original texts sure wouldn’t mean much to me! And literal translations are usually very bad when read in the language they are translated into. I like the way the Wyclif people translate – finding the closest equivalents in the local culture to express what the best scholars say the Bible states in the originals or other good translations.

I want a Bible that is accurate and I have to depend on scholars for that. But I also want one that is meaningful, that I can pick up and read and through it have God speak to me. To do that it needs to speak to me in my language and have relevance in the context of the culture in which I live. Sometimes it needs to speak to me in new words that wake me up. Sometime it needs to speak to me in poetry that touches my inner self. God is speaking to me through his recorded words while at the same time, if I am listening for his voice, he will be raising my awareness of how his words have meaning for my life. No translation will have a lot of meaning if my inner ears are too plugged up to hear him.

Jordon Cooper talks about the use of Labyrinth as a tool in prayer and worship. He has gotten a lot of reaction – of course. I wasn’t aware that only pagans owned the use of the word. We all have labyrinths in our heads you know – in our inner ears. In the dictionary a labyrinth is a complicated or confusing structure – a puzzle, a maze.

Anyway, I realize that is simplifying things – but reaction to the use of such a tool because of it being called a labyrinth seems like over reaction to me.

In my post from Wednesday, Aug. 6 I use a blessing which is called a rune in Madeleine L’Engle’s book An Acceptable Time. Now if anything conjures up the image of pagan, it is probably the use of the term rune. Yet the word itself comes from the characters used in the ancient Germanic languages. Yes runes were words or incantations which had magical or mysterious meaning. A rune to a pagan would be a magic spell. To me, a Christian, the term as used by M. L’Engle, also a Christian, evokes images of inscriptions and words that have mysterious and sacred meanings. I think that I would place some of our blessings, Christian symbols, and benedictions into this category of language. And I believe we attach a certain Holy power to these. What we receive from these words goes way beyond the mere meaning of the words. Sometimes God’s presence comes to us in very intense and special ways through them.

I hope that as Christians we don’t try and eliminate everything from our lives that is mysterious beyond our understanding – that doesn’t fit into some neat little theological box. Mystery is a big part of how I deal with the big concepts like creation, the incarnation, redemption and resurrection. My God is way too big for my finite little mind to understand and explain all of these. And the biggest mystery of all is his love for me – so intense that he died as a substitute for me long before I was even conceived of. So I use poetry, songs and music, liturgy(which is to me the repetition of a sacred act) and other means- like maybe a labyrinth or candles or whatever- to assist me in worshipping this mysteriously wonderful God. It is not how I worship but who that makes my worship true worship.

I believe that God created our sense of mystery, our sense of wonder and delight at all his creation for our and his enjoyment. I refuse to somehow hand over this part of who I am to the domain of the “occult”, “new age” or any other label the evil one would like to use to frighten me away from experiencing this part of who God created me to be.