March 20, 2005 · 6:02 pm

Art of Broken Pieces

Child of mine,
You of the lithe body
And swift feet,
I wanted to save you
From these deaths of potential
From these experiences of adulthood
That should not be for you – yet.

Now it seems too late.

Trapped in the snare
Of choices poorly made,
The demons come with glee
To suck away your youth
And trip your dancing feet.
You were a work of art
To stir their jealousy.

A smashed jar cannot be filled.

My child
You know I’d willingly
Pick up the shards of soul,
To help restore.
‘T would be crudely done.
But there is one who waits
Who with his art of broken pieces, recreates.

A vessel fashioned by his hands,
Dropped in the roughness of life,
Will not be broken again.

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March 20, 2005 · 5:50 pm

My emotional surface

Today was a difficult one for me emotionally.  I had no idea that I would wear my emotions so close to the surface.  I usually hide them – or rather, I would say, I am in control of them pretty well.  Today they kind of got in the way of everything.  It was even hard to play my recorder this morning during worship and usually music for me is a good reliever of those kinds of feelings. 

As I sat and talked with God before the service a friend joined me – a friend who understands exactly what I am going through.  I have gone through rough stuff with my kids before and it was an extremely lonely experience.  This onslaught of trouble is not finding me struggling on my own.  It will be tough but I will have company through this dark time.

It is painful to be the mother of a seventeen year old young woman being thrust by her choices into adulthood.

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March 19, 2005 · 5:05 pm

More from Yancey

Christians best influence the world by sacrificial love, the most effective way truly to change the world.  Parents express love by staying up all night with their sick children, working two jobs to pay school expenses, sacrificing their own desires for the sake of their children’s.  And every person who follows Jesus learns a similar pattern.  God’s kingdom gives itself away, in love, for that is precisely what God did for us.
…No one can grasp how to be a parent by reading books before the birth of a child.  You learn the role by doing a thousand mundane acts: calling the doctor during illness, preparing for the first day of school, playing catch in the backyard, consoling hurts and defusing tantrums.  A spiritual parent goes through the same process.  In the end, Jesus’ prediction – “Whoever loses his life will preserve it” – proves true, for the downward surrender leads upward. (p 245,246 Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God, Zondervan, 2000)

 

Somehow I know this is true.  But experience tells me this is also a good way to get hurt.  It seems as if in the process of learning to love you give parts of yourself away – maybe you could say that you make investments into the other person with pieces of yourself.  And there are no guarantees that the investment will pay off in your lifetime.  But the surrender of yourself to the child or the other person must be done.  It is the way we were shown by Jesus and really there is no other way.  That is just how love is.

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March 18, 2005 · 10:59 pm

Getting vaccinated

And we are back in business and virus free.  For the moment.  These crazy viruses are so sneaky and seem to be able to sneak by a whole bunch of anti- virus and anti-spyware protection.  So I am taking Jordon’s advice and downloading the programs he suggested. 

Getting the computer back was maybe the best thing that happened today.  Some of the other stuff wasn’t so good – from the strained back all day to getting some other news that left me fairly numb.  So I have had my fill of ibuprofen for the day and need to get a bit of sleep, if possible, tonight.  I will probably blog more later when I can.

Life will go on, I suspect.  God will still be with me.  The troubles of this place and time are overwhelming right now.  My mind can’t quite understand it all – it is numb.   I know God is here and he is good.  That is maybe all I know right now. 

From the Compline for this night (Northumbria)

Lighten my darkness, Lord.
Let the light of Your presence
dispel the shadows of night.

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March 14, 2005 · 8:45 pm

Reaching For The Invisible God

Maybe I just like Yancey’s style of writing but I think it is more than that.  He has written some books that have spoken profoundly to my situation.  This book is one that for me right now was just what I needed to read.  And now I have finished it.  I find myself flipping back to reread some pages where he said just what I needed to hear.

Sometimes I find myself yearning for the glorious self-indulgence of infancy, when the world revolved around me, when a whimper or a cry brought attention, when others met my needs with no effort on my part.  Sometimes I look back, too, on an early stage in my spiritual pilgrimage when God seemed close and faith seemed easy and irrefutable – a stage before testing and disappointment, a stage before weaning.  And then at church or in the supermarket I come across a  baby, helpless, immobile, with little comprehension, and I realize anew the wisdom of creation that presses us on toward maturity, our growth fueled by a diet of solid food, not milk.

While I still bear the scars of growing pains, I am learning to identify and avoid some seductions of childish faith:  unrealistic expectations, legalism, and unhealthy dependance.

Several times I have alluded to the danger of unrealistic expectations.  A child must, at some point, learn to accept the world as it is rather than as he or she wants it to be.  “It’s not fair!”  the foot-stamping lament of a child, mellows into “Life is not fair,”  the wisdom of adulthood.  People vary in beauty, family background, athletic skill, intelligence, health,and wealth, and anyone who expects perfect fairness in this world will end up bitterly disappointed.  Likewise, a Christian who expects God to solve all family problems, heal all diseases, and thwart baldness, graying, wrinkling, presbyopia, osteoporosis, senility and the other effects of aging is pursuing childish magic, not mature religion. (p 215)

The above quote is from Reaching For The Invisible God by Philip Yancey, Zondervan, 2000. 

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March 14, 2005 · 8:09 pm

Another year older – and wiser? Who knows?

It is my birthday today.  It seems pretty crazy being closer to 60 than to 50 now.  Mostly it was just another work day for me except for all the nice things people did for me.  I did have to tell a couple people that no, this has not yet been declared a national holiday.  So I was definitely at work.

Today was also a milestone of another sort too.  My grandson, Kieran, came in to see me for his first dental check-up.  No cavities!  Only has about 2/3 of his teethe so far.  But I know he has the greatest parents who really do brush his teeth for him.  And when he came in he brought me a birthday present.  So it was doubly special.  He was pretty much like any self respecting kid though – he did not appreciate the dental chair at all. 

Some of the nice things – flowers, which I love.  A bottle of chokecherry wine – a red wine I do not react to; special too because it was made by a friend. A new printer so that I can hopefully print streak free photos.  And a really good quality alto recorder – a Moeck.  And I treated myself to a new pair of blue jeans and shirt as well as a few new books.  I think I may have to start up a lending library in order to justify the expense and space required to store them all.  I do love books.

Sad news is that I am having to write this from the computer at work.  That means coming back after hours.  But at least I have somewhere accessible.  Our home computer is in the hospital with some sort of virus that none of our anti-virus software detected or would remove.  So it pretty much froze every time we wanted to do something.  Hope it is well soon.  I depend on e-mail for some of my communication and on keeping up with my blogging friends.

 

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March 13, 2005 · 8:59 pm

Another move – a good one

In the midst of transition, another answer to prayer comes, providing an even better placement for my dad.  I just got a call from Sharon telling me that he not only does not have to be kept confined to the restricted exit area (I called it the SHU) but that with a new assessment comes an opening for a place at Mount St. Joseph’s Home.  So he will be moving again.  All these moves can’t be good but this should be the last one.  Then we can get him settled in to his new place and set up some things he will be familiar with. 

The new place has more available in the way of therapy and recreation.  It is also a newer facility and, well, I think the care is provided with just a bit more of a personal touch. 

I must say that I am glad.  The last time I went to visit him, he was in this confined area and I felt a bit depressed.  If I felt a bit depressed, I have to wonder what my dad was feeling.  If nothing else, I think it will be more normal going to visit him without having to go through doors that lock behind me. 

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March 13, 2005 · 3:20 pm

The weekend

This has been an event filled weekend.  I spent it in Saskatoon being a soccer mom.  Provincial Under 16 Girls were battling it out – and PA Celtics lost in the semi-finals.  The game today was well played though, just the last four minutes the other side got 2 goals.  Sara came home with a sore foot from a run in with another foot also aiming for the ball. 

Stayed with my sister-in-law this weekend since my son had his mother-in-law visiting.  In terms of luxury, we got the best deal.  We had a bed with as many pillows as we could use.  And we had a great time visiting with her family and Rob, her fiance.  Her oldest son and I share the same birthdate so had a bit of a party on Saturday night. (No- I did not get older yet – not till Monday and then I will be over twice my nephew’s age)

Had another birthday party on Friday night as well.  Jordon has turned the ripe old age of 31 and I got to be at the get together at Ozzie’s. 

March has got to be the best month to have a birthday.  Really cute people are born in March.  If you are wondering who just check out Marc and Dixie’s new son.  What a cute kid Marc!

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March 11, 2005 · 7:27 am

Patients = Patience

Some patients push me to the limits of my patience.  Bad attitudes seem to be the thing that gets to me most.  When they do I tend to whip out my collection of sarcastic remarks.

So for Lent I said I would deliberately choose to serve someone rather than myself.  I don’t know that I chose this guy but he was sort of stuck in my face – someone I had to treat with more respect than I would like.  Someone I actually don’t have a lot of respect for because of his attitude. 

He came in.  Well, this is not the first visit.  And to each visit he has brought the attitude that whatever he wants he should get.  Trouble is that what he wants and what is possible don’t jive.  He wants us to restore health that has long been lost.  And I think he feels that we should do this with little effort on his part.  Sorry – Mr. but that is not how the deal goes! 

So here we are trying to convince the guy that his options at this point are really limited.  His teeth are beyond the point of being savable.  But he wants to keep on ignoring this fact.  He wants us to fix it.  He does not seem to get the fact that we are telling him the truth.  It is not what he wants to hear.

I am afraid that the attitude he displays is not just about his teeth.  I fear that he approaches life in the same way.  Being a chief, this is scary to me.  Does he expect the impossible to happen just because he insists it should, no effort required on his part, no long term commitments made?  It is an old attitude – the chief should possess the power to demand what he wants.  His people do not need a leader that lives in this kind of a fantasy. 

What a difference from what God the creator of all taught us.  If you want to be a leader – become a servant.

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March 10, 2005 · 6:00 am

Best Friends Talking

The aroma of coffee fresh brewing
Will be forever morning sunshine
And the Good Book read.
Best friends talking
The day waiting to be embraced.

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