LineaLanoie's Weblog

Life gets very hectic at times.  And then the computer starts to act strange.  Writing kind of stops.  It is too frustrating to write stuff and then have the whole computer freeze and lose it all.

Maybe life is just acting strange these days too.  Sometimes it too seems to freeze up, weird things happen.  But mostly it seems to freeze up and get stuck on the routine. 

So the days go on as if stuck in some sort of a rut.  Up, make coffee, go to work, home make supper, some activity in the evening or driving kids.  Finally bed.  The next day repeats. 

Hard to see how God is acting when life just kind of goes on. 

If life as we repeated each day circled around getting closer and closer to God as our centering point, I think that would be good.  Repitition is not bad if we become better at doing life with practice.  But if we are just repeating as a record stuck on some flaw, then it becomes pretty pointless.

I think I have been learning some new lessons about life through these fairly routine days of mine.  I long for more time, more quiet and time to read and simply talk or listen to God.  Sometimes I think the contemplative life in some religious order would be wonderful.  But God has given me this life of mine to live that includes work, kids, a husband, church, friends, etc.  I guess one of the biggest challenges for me is living in this tension of wanting to experience God’s presence at the very heart of me, knowing that it can’t just be about just my emotions (because this would be a very inward looking and for me a self absorbed affair) and being compelled by his calling me to participate in his work in this world through things he has given me to do.  If I am not constantly in touch with God and learning more of him I won’t keep very good balance. 

Today was one of those good day bad day sorts of days.

Bad day – computer problems. Something is crashing? It all freezes up. So lots of frustration.

Good day – we ate the lobster that Leo brought home from New Brunswick tonight. Sara loves lobster but decided these whole things are too much work. And they are. But worth it for a seafood lover like myself.

And tonight – Grandma is babysitting.

Big question in the staff room this afternoon. What is the last name of the Queen? Not knowing but having a few good guesses my partner decided to find out.

In the back of the phone book is a number for the Government of Canada. General inquiries. Sounded like a general inquiry to him. So he called. He explained what he wanted to know. Whoever answered the phone was as ignorant as us but passed us on to the office of the Governor General. Wow! We are going to get the answer straight from the one who knows. So we threw in another related question – What is the last name of her children?

Disappointment – we only got as far as leaving a message on an answering machine. It may take 2 days to find out this vital piece of information.

Anyone out there know?

There has been a lot crammed into the past few days.  Not much time was left for blogging.  And I do share a computer with “the boss”.  He’s been home and busy perfecting the lectures he will be giving in French over the next few days.  It has been so nice to have him back for a few days that I won’t complain too much about limited access to the computer. 

Saturday was shopping day and family reconnection day.  The shopping part was good – we got the dresses needed for grad for my two daughters who are going as dates for grad.  Their older brother thought that the word “escort” did not have a good ring to it – not for his little sisters.  The dresses are beautiful and sparkly – just what was wanted.  And the price was just in the range I wanted – both for under $100. 

We (my kids, spouses and friends) then went for an early supper at Red Lobster.  Our treat of course!  Then over to the Fox and Hounds for the great northern Saskatchewan blogger meet-up.  You can read and see photos of it here, and here and here.  Becky has all the links for the bloggers there which is great ’cause there were some folks whose sites I had not visited before.

Sunday was a full day too.  Church in the morning.  A couple of good things going on there.  One – I did not bomb out on the song I played alone on the recorder.  May sound crazy but I find that if I don’t take time to offer my playing as worship to God I am really shaky on it.  I know that perfection in my playing is a long way from what I can achieve but I do want people not to be distracted from their worship of God by my mistakes.

The second good thing for me was something Randall said in his talk to us.  He talked about how God leads us up to the thing that is before us to do much like he must have led Moses up to the shores of the dead sea.  We are faced with these things we are challenged to do for God – or things we need to face in faith.  We may be afraid and turn away, unable to exercise our faith in that moment.  But as we keep on seeking God, God will bring us back to that point again, gently guiding us to take that step out into what for us may be the total unknown; not pushing us off the edge into the sea before us but there urging us to step out in faith.  God wants to show us his power; what he has planned for us if we can take that step forward, totally trusting him.  This is what I remember from the sermon – the part where God was really talking to me anyway, mostly because I see that I have been at the brink of an opportunity before that I just could not do – my faith was not great enough.  And now God seems to have brought me back to this place of needing to step out again into a place of obedience.  I don’t want to turn from the challenge this time, hard as it may be to act as I know I need to do.

Then there was The Notebook.  An afternoon at the movies.  A bit close to home emotionally for me.  It is a story of love in spite of Alzheimers.  A bit romanticized and cleaner and nicer than what it is really like.  Mostly it is just sad and frustrating and sad.  And the end does not come when one wishes just because of love.  But love does carry us along, holding us together in spite of the insult of this horrible disease.

And today – for me a day off.  Haven’t done anything too useful yet.  But I did have lunch with my favorite man.  Heard his laments about his computer at work – it won’t let him in and he has e-mails he needs to get before he leaves again for the French connection of his lecture tour.

So today Randall pointed out to me that I am not as free saying what I want to say on my blog as I was at the beginning.  He’s right.  I know too many of the readers and I am an inoffensive person in general.  Just having a place to shout out what I am feeling doesn’t work so well anymore.  I don’t know if I am protecting myself or protecting the people around me who might be mentioned on here from time to time.  Even if I don’t use names I know most of you are smart enough to figure out when I am talking about you(now don’t get paranoid – it’s not always you).  And I am more careful when talking about my kids.  I don’t want them to get thrown in jail or anything!!  Even when they do stupid stuff and I would like to throw them in jail – or kill them and get thrown in jail myself. 

But maybe I need to get back to that kind of honesty I was free to use back at the beginning.  Maybe it is OK to let others see what a fool I am sometimes.  Or what I struggle through and how I struggle through it and how much I am weak and have to rely on God for help. 

In all honesty, one of the reasons I have toned down is that I do not want to offend people.  I find I can do that all too easily and then I have to deal with the apologies to the offendee – and for me that is extremely hard work.  I guess it is easier to live on a superficial level in terms of looking like Ms Nice.  Till I blew up at home from bottled up tension.

It was easier to sit in the pew on Sunday looking like Ms Good.  But looking good while enduring loneliness on the inside is not really living.  It is funny how as I grow deeper in my faith I find I need people more.  You’d think that I would need God more and people less but it doesn’t seem to work like that.  I am more and more convinced that we were created to have relationships in order to be healthy; a relationship to God and relationships with friends and a community to which we are accountable.   

I know that I am vulnerable and that sometimes I am afraid to show what I am really like to people around me. They know me – to a certain extent – and I want them to like me.  Maybe that is why this blog was such a good place for me to express myself at the beginning.  I didn’t much have anyone to impress or offend.  That freedom was good for me.

Maybe I’m at that point where I need to take back some of that freedom.  I need to have a forum to express my thoughts – and that is what they are.  Not necessarily profound.  Not necessarily correct.  But I think I would like to get back to honesty and openness. 

So I guess we’ll see. 

And having thoughts implies that the brain is functioning – right?  I sometimes think that mine has to function on partial power.  The cells could have recharged last night if my kid who comes home in the middle (later than 1am) of the night didn’t have this harebrained need to grill up a steak on the indoor grill.  Or to have a friend call him at 1:30 when I was in the deepest part of my REM sleep.  He did get a small piece of my mind when he came home from work a few minutes ago.  I think those were the brain cells that died from being startled awake.  But he did go and scrub the grill.