LineaLanoie's Weblog

Sorry this is long. 
Just some of my own philosophy of life that I have been working through this week.

I have always had an admiration for people who hold definite opinions on issues and know exactly what they believe, backing up all their beliefs with facts and statistics.  In the 60’s and 70’s as a Christian young person trying to understand my faith and explain what I believed to others, I often wished I could pull facts and proofs out of my head that would leave the people I talked to with no choice but to choose to follow Christ.  But I never got to that point, especially being able to whip irrefutable evidence out of my head.  I still had many unanswered questions myself.  I always carried around a fair amount of guilt because of that.  I figured that if I was really strongly opinionated, that would be a good sign that I was certain about what I believed.  I can remember wishing that I knew the answers to life’s questions in more black and white terms.

So I studied books like Josh McDowell’s evidence books to learn more facts to prove my beliefs.  I thought this is what I needed to do to be able to defend my faith better. 

But, you know, my mind does not seem to process information in this factual format very well.  I never could remember the factual details, the lists of proofs by probabilities.  I just became frustrated with myself.  All the reading of proofs was about as interesting as memorizing the periodic table in chemistry or the dates of wars and treaties in history.  Because I didn’t have a good grasp of these proofs, or much of a taste for them, I felt incapable of adequately witnessing to my faith.  I couldn’t help but feel pretty inadequate – I simply could not debate issues on the basis of proofs.  And I thought that was the way it needed to be done.

I guess this was my attempt to fit my understanding of my faith into the modern, rational, scientific culture of my youth.  Scientists were using research to prove things.  Philosophers used logic to prove the irrefutable truths they proposed.   We tried to do the same with a very rational approach to faith – one that needed to be substantiated by facts and proofs.

But this approach never was a good fit for my personality.  I am more comfortable asking questions, sharing ideas, working through my doubts till I come to an understanding of an issue.  Although I have strong beliefs and some basic beliefs which I will not back down on, I remain a person who can be persuaded by good evidence to modify my stand on an issue.  Many of today’s issues are not simply black or white.  Love modifies how I put what I believe into practice.  I am trying to be sensitive to what Jesus is trying to teach me through the words he left us and through what he is able to teach me as I spend time listening to him. 

Don’t get me wrong – I believe facts about things exist and are important but there is more to life than just facts and things that can be proven.  What can be proven by science; what is believed as fact, is not all there is to life.  Things I have experienced in God’s presence can’t be proven but they have changed me.  Now when I tell about my faith, I don’t get hung up on trying to present a bunch of facts.  I simply tell my own story.  I live my life and they see how it goes for me.  Facts to awe others with would be a lot simpler.  I am an imperfect demonstration to watch.

I can still be intimidated by people who have all their facts together.  Sometimes it causes me to listen to my fears of inadequacy rather than focus on how God wants me to live.  So I try and remember that love for others is still more important than knowing “everything about everything” (1Cor13:2 NLT).   

Life- it is really tough sometimes.  Just found out a niece is very ill – has a long way to go to get better. 

Then Grace came home and when I told her we need to remember her cousin in our prayers, she said and yeah, we need to pray for Amber who I work with too.  She has cancer and she just found out.

At times for me written prayers help settle my soul.  There is comfort to me in knowing that down through the ages people before me have called out with these same words to my God who is always here, always has been even when things are difficult.

From the Compline for Saturday  of the Northumbria Community

In the name of the King of life;
in the name of the Christ of love;
in the name of the Holy Spirit:
the Triune of my strength.

I love you, O Lord my strength.
The Lord is my rock,
my fortress and my deliverer.
My God is my rock
in whom I take refuge.

 I will praise the Lord who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I shall not be shaken.

I am placing my soul and my body
under Thy guarding this night, O Christ.
May Thy cross this night be shielding me.

Into Your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth.

The God of life with guarding hold you;
the loving Christ with guarding fold you;
the Holy Spirit, guarding, mould you;
each night of life to aid, enfold you;
each day and night of life uphold you.

May God shield me;
may God fill me;
may God keep me;
may God watch me;
may God bring me this night
to the nearness of His love.

The peace of the Father of joy,
the peace of the Christ of hope,
the peace of the Spirit of grace,

the peace of all peace
be mine this night
in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

Tonight I was together with some friends.  We just sat and shared some deep stuff.  I feel a bit like I’ve just been to a hospital – but his was a nice place and a place that tonight was full of healing for me. 

I guess it hurts a bit to really tell others what it is that hurts – to uncover the layers of calluses that you have been using as protection.  I’m tired of pretending that all is great and healthy when it is not. Tonight it was as if the friends were there administering the healing stuff that comes from the great physician himself.  When it’s laid bare really good healing stuff can be poured on it and it feels good – so good. 

Tonight I feel like I will sleep well.